Book Review: Being There: How To Love Those Who Are Hurting by Dave Furman

As one who is a caretaker of a spouse with an debilitating illness, I was keenly interested in this new book, Being There: How To Love Those Who Are Hurting, by Dave Furman. It did not disappoint. Author Dave Furman shares his life with his difficult disease which is not only difficult for himself but also his wife, family and friends. Having an illness like Furman's when one doesn't look ill makes it all the worse for all those involved. Furman shares his joys and disappointments on a personal level and imparts wisdom for the caretaker, friend, spouse, pastor and everyone acquainted with someone suffering from any of life's trials.

This work is packed with advice for the caretaker and for the sufferer. From the outset however Furman makes it clear that, "The goal of this entire book is to point you to Jesus, who is your only hope, and to walk you through some ways to love those who hurt with the strength God provides." Indeed, the book ends with the same reminder. We are to point those who suffer to Christ. Words of encouragement or comfort often fail, but Christ never does. This is not all we can do but it is at the heart of what we do and say.

Furman's style is warm, funny and direct to the point. He quotes sufferers that have gone before us and points the reader to Scripture often. He shares events from his life that are sometimes humorous but often heartbreaking as his disability affects all those around him. But it makes the book real, not just a book of self help hints to get the reader through difficult times, but seasoned, hard advice for those dark, lonely times of hurting the caretaker endures.

He tasks the reader to refer to the gospel to find hope. "In order to adequately care for others, we must first need this news (and the Spirit of God) to stir in us a new and greater affection." We must also learn to listen rather than talk. "Listening is a great way to start loving and comforting someone who is suffering. Good friends and counselors understand that oftentimes the best thing they can do is be quiet and listen."

This leads me to one of the most important and helpful chapters of the book, Whatever You Do, Don't Do These Things. Though well intended, some words and actions of encouragement are more harmful than helpful. If you cannot imagine what these are then I strongly urge you to give close attention to this chapter.

As Furman was writing the conclusion to this book he suffered another severe attack of pain which left him discouraged. Though I don't wish pain on anyone, I am grateful he related this episode in the book. Even after penning this work he fell into a short period of discouragement. His honesty displayed his humanness in that he still does not have all the answers. Neither do we. Our hope is in Christ for now and evermore.

Crossway has provided a complimentary copy of this book through Beyond the Page.

Rutherford - The Devil is but a Whetstone

Samuel Rutherford

Not one ounce, not one grain-weight more is laid on me than he hath enabled me to bare...Faith hath cause to take courage from our very afflictions; the devil is but a whetstone to sharpen the faith and patience of the saint. (Samuel Rutherford, The Loveliness of Christ, Banner of Truth, page 72.)

The Heart of Stonewall

Stonewall Jackson

I have been called to pass through the deep waters of affliction, but all has been satisfied...the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. It is his will that my Dearest wife and child should not longer abide with me, and as it is His holy will I am perfectly reconciled to the sad bereavement, though I deeply mourn my loss. My dearest Ellie breathed her last on Sunday evening, the same day on which the child was born dead. Oh! the consolation of religion! I can willingly submit to anything if God strengthens me. Oh! my Sister would that you could have Him for your God. (From a letter from Stonewall Jackson to his sister on the occasion of the death of his wife and child. Quoted in All Things for Good by Steve Wilkins.)

Though he suffered and labored under this hard affliction of losing both his wife and stillborn son, Jackson never lost his faith. Indeed, it appears over time it may have bolstered it. How will we endure should such a tragedy infect our lives today?

Consider this...

Consider the following quote from Joseph Hall the next time you are enduring a trial, physical pain or some type of affliction:

Not to be afflicted is a sign of weakness; for, therefore God imposeth no more on me, because He sees I can bear no more. -Joseph Hall

May we all bear up under the trials God puts before us so that we may endure more for His glory and our good.

It is but a cloud, it will pass over

We continue our look at Luther's prayer, meditation and trial today with William Bridge on affliction:

If the darkness which a man be under be such, that there are some openings of light withal, then it is the darkness of a cloud, and not of the night.... Now thus it is always with the people of God. They never are in any affliction, temptation, or desertion, but before their great deliverance comes, they have some special providence, some reviving in the midst of their trouble, some interim of light, some openings of the cloud; and therefore, in the midst of all, they may say, Surely this my darkness is not the darkness of the night, but of a cloud. I say, there is no discouragement befalls the saints, but the matter thereof is a cloud, and they may say, It is but a cloud, it will pass over. - WILLIAM BRIDGE

Heidelberg Catechism on Affliction

Again we can rejoice knowing that all our afflictions here are not for nothing:

Heidelberg Catechism Question 52

Question 52. How does Christ's return "to judge the living and the dead" comfort you?
Answer. In all my affliction and persecution I may await with head held high the very Judge from heaven who has already submitted himself to the judgment of God for me and has removed all the curse from me. He will cast all his enemies and mine into everlasting condemnation, but he will take me and all his chosen ones to himself into the joy and glory of heaven.
(See Colossians 1:9-20 & Matthew 25:31-46.)

Faith Upholds our Lives in Affliction

The Banner of Truth Trust has published these great little, Pocket Puritans books. They're certainly small but brimming with theological meat. One of the small books is Samuel Ward's Living Faith and its no different - its just packed with spiritual assistance and comfort. Take the following as an example, Faith tackles great obstacles. Small boats do well in calm conditions, ordinary men can stand up to a light breeze, but when a heavy tempest blows, and wave after wave crashes in, nature yields, spirits faint, hearts fail. To stand up against such storms and to live and reign is the work of faith, which has the Word as its compass, and Christ at the helm. The greatest adversities are but the exercise and lustre of faith. Men glory when they can tame tigers and lions, make the elephant bow to them, and bear to follow them. But what a small conquest is that compared with faith when it makes shame, poverty, sickness, persecution, banishment, yea, death itself, to be not only not dreadful, but manageable and bearable. A Christian has great advantage because of his faith. His only defect is lack of skill or a failure to use the shield of faith when a dart comes suddenly at him. Therefore when a storm rises, immediately run and awaken your sleeping faith. (Pgs. 43-44)

What exceptional observations and advice. Let us engage our faith when trials hit and take comfort that our Lord is watching over us.